im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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