I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
