I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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