I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
