The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
