So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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