why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Randomize
