I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
