I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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