doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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