Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
