chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
