I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
