my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He felt like a one man threesome
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
