I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize