My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
