I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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