Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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