Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
