i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You're a waste of cheezeits
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
