I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
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