I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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