The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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