addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
