R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
