watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
