when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
