i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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