Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize