i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She bit a glass in half.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
