Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're like the curious george of whores
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize