i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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