Don't EVER smell your tampon
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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