So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
