My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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