So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize