She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
