I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
