all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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