Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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