i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
