you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
