: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
