I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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