Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
