I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
