is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
His hands were made for my vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need a beard to bite.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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