I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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