i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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