Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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