i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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