I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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