So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
