she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
