I'm eating all of the evidence.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
