i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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