Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
