Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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