I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
