I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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