So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
